Love perhaps

I have just had dinner, and my stomach isn't behaving very well. It's been quite stressful lately, although I can't really even tell myself why. Perhaps because I've been thinking about things I'm not supposed to be thinking of. But that's not the point of my writing tonight. 

Tonight I want to talk about love.

My timeline has been full of break-ups and couple-fights lately. There are the occasional people in love, but I'm glad most of them decide to keep it low. Sad people usually want to express their feelings. I don't mind that. They have all the rights. 

Love is sweet and sugary, some people say. It is. You know you have that someone you can always turn to when in need, and someone who would say nice things to you when you feel like a mess. Even at your worst moments, you know that person would always think you're the greatest/prettiest/cutest. It is a nice feeling. You feel wanted. You feel appreciated. And when everything goes wrong at least you know you mean something to someone. 

I don't know why I chose to talk about this at this hour, perhaps because at the moment quite a number of people are being lovey dovey on my timeline, but honestly to me, love is a frightening journey. 

Love is commitment.

I used to have a relationship once that lasted more than four years, but then it ended and I started to see things differently. Four years wasn't a short journey. We made mistakes and we learn from it. And honestly, up until this moment, that's the longest commitment I've ever had with someone that isn't my family. I don't know how I was able to tolerate all the heart things, the fights and the tears. If you ask me to do the same thing now, I don't even know if I can. I don't even know if I want to anymore. Spending a long duration of time for something uncertain; to me it feels like a waste of energy. I don't blame anyone, but doesn't it feel like a waste of time and energy? You could have spared all the tears. You could have done something better.

But if not for the 4 years, I'd never have known what I know now.

Maybe I just want to be alone, that's what my friend pointed out to me. And maybe it's true. It's not like I'm giving up or anything. I just want to have more me time, linger in the moment. Maybe I've had enough of thinking about another person's feeling so much until I forget to worry about mine. I want to be able to do whatever I want to do and nobody other than my parents should be giving me permissions to do it. I want to have time alone at night so I can read or draw or write while listening to music instead of texting with someone until late into the night which might lead into petty fights if I reply any later than 10 minutes. Ugh I hate texting nowadays, especially since my phone's been lagging a lot. The more reason not to be having a relationship yet.

At this point, I just don't want to be in love. I'm happy being in love with my family and my close friends, but not to a guy yet. I am quite stressed out by my studies at the moment, I don't need more reasons to mess up my head. Plus, I just realized I'm quite allergic to love confessions. I don't even know if I can even handle it. Not now. 

That, is how I feel towards love. Thank you.

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