How does it feel to not have rationality, sanity, and the ability to weigh the difference between what is right and what is wrong? How does it feel to murder, kidnap and rob other people? How does it feel to inflict harm on a certain person you dislike? How does it feel to just agree with that infuriating emotion that makes your heart pump and your blood rise? 


I believe there is a very thin line in every human being that borders their sanity and that other world. Sometimes you just feel like putting one feet across the line, but your rationale pulls you in, bargains and argue with you, and you stop. Is it normal to feel angry to your own rationale thinking? Sometimes I am curious. Sometimes I hate my curiosity because it is curious towards things that have not simple solutions and answers. 

The good thing about having doubt is that you will think a hundred times before you resort to doing/believing/saying things. The bad thing about it is you will think a hundred times before doing/believing/saying things, until you finally miss the chance. Or until you don't feel like doing it anymore. 

My friend is doubt, and so is my enemy. 


. . .

Internet perlahan ni memang mendatangkan fuck you betul. Terutamanya ketika perasaan tak tenteram. 

Tolong maafkan keterlanjuran kata saya. Dekat twitter macam ramai sangat yang ambil tahu. Mungkin dekat sini tak siapa peduli sangat. Mungkin lah. Kalau salah, maafkan saya. Semoga Tuhan juga ampunkan kebaculan mulut (tangan) saya yang mengeluarkan ungkapan tak sepatutnya. Rasa nak jerit. Sumpah.

Another caffeine story

This evening, I was supposed to 'bancuh' a cup of Nescafe for my dad when he arrives home from work. At around 6, there was some fogging activity going around my housing area, so the environment wasn't so pleasant. Everything smelled poisonous. I sat and played with my pet cat Pipuk because I was bored and nobody wanted to play Ruzzle with me. 

You can always recognize the sound of a certain car if you're used to riding it or listening to it every day. I know the sound of my dad's car every time he comes home from work. A sound that can also act as an alarm if you haven't already done your Asar prayers, and an alarm that says go 'bancuh' dad's tea or Nescafe now. Dads usually like it warm, so make his drink on time that when he drinks it it would still scald his tongue kikiki.

So while lazily playing with Pipuk and with the fogging thingy going on outside, I heard that sound. I swear it was that sound, because my instinct said so. I didn't even bother to peer out the window to make sure, I just knew. I pushed Pipuk off my lap and headed straight for the kitchen to 'bancuh' dad's Nescafe. And then I put it on the coffee table. And then I took my mom's tab, sat on the living room sofa and checked for any new Ruzzle challenges. No Ruzzle challenges still, so I opened the 4 Pics 1 Word game heck I was bored. 

The front door never opened. Pipuk didn't even budge from her lazy spot in front of the door. The fogging was still going on outside like nobody's business. I scratched my head and only then thought of going to the window to check. 

Tadaaa, no dad. 

Just the fogging man going to and fro with his fogging machine. Semangat je lebih, I laughed in my head at silly ol' me. If dad comes home late his drink would be cold, so might as well just drink it myself. 

You can never be too sure about things you think you're sure of.

And now I'm a nervous wreck and I'm pretty sure this giddy feeling is because of that wrong cup of Nescafe. Pfft.



I told you
I'll write more
Till these feelings subdue
So please walk out the door
There are better things for you to do

I am one of them
people who lash out with words
in written forms of gem
born from the rattles of my cords
Now this is a poem

Thank you



I'm much angrier than I should be.
I mean
I just received some good news
There shouldn't be anger in my system.
Anger usually makes me want to write more
And work less
Even communicate less.

So I shall write blog posts
loads of em
as I like
You shouldn't bother.
I'm just a hopeless pool of anger.
And this is not a poem
Even if it sounds like it
after I've tried reading it poetically.
I'm still angry

Not an interesting story

When on board a train, there're usually two things in my head. The first would be to reach my destination safely and on time. The second would be that nobody farts around me in the coach. Yesterday, while on the way to KL Sentral to meet up with my friends for our assignment task, I forgot to bring along my earphones (my phone battery was almost drained anyway). So I had ample time to think of a lot of other things other than people farting and whether I'd reach my destination on time. I brought along The Diary of Anne Frank, but since I have mobile-sickness I just held onto the book in the coach while looking aimlessly out the window. 

I don't usually notice a lot of things outside the train. If I look out the window too much I might feel dizzy. During my journeys to KL Sentral on that same route every other day, the only things I'd be noticing would be the name of stations, some graffiti on a wall, some shapes on the wall of an apartment that resembles a face, and trees. Yesterday, I tried counting how many apartments I saw along the way, but I failed because there were just too many. I had to refrain myself from counting the other buildings I saw in the distance because I wasn't sure if they were apartments. And then there was a man in red t-shirt and white shorts jogging around a lake in Subang. A man in white t-shirt on a step-ladder, probably repairing/renovating something inside an outward-facing display window of a shop building. And then an Indian woman a few seats from my right changed to a seat across the aisle. And then another Indian woman's phone fell to the floor with an unpleasant thud. I didn't look her way so that she wouldn't feel embarrassed.

I wasn't amused by all this, because sooner than I could think I was already feeling sleepy. It was 9 in the morning, and every other days during this mid semester break this is the hour I'd be struggling to open my eyes on my bed. 

I remembered reading somewhere the previous night "When you pray to God, you should pray with undivided belief and faith that God will grant your wishes." Because I was bored and very sleepy, I tried wishing that I could read everybody's mind for one minute. I guess I didn't believe enough. 

BONKS. That was the graffiti written on the wall. I can clearly remember it now. There were some other things but BONKS was the biggest graffiti over there. Every time I see it I always wonder who the hell drew that beautiful thing up there. 

The train stopped at KL Sentral 9.30. I was glad because we promised to meet up at 10, and I still have plenty of time for myself. I was not so hungry, but I had to freshen my mind from the morning drowsiness. I had hotcakes and cold Milo at McDonald's while reading Anne Frank. I don't really like reading in public because of all the noise. My head frequently jumped to things other than the book. 

Here I am sitting all alone, thinking of unimportant stuff, looking like some loser in a pink baju kurung, trying hard to focus on her book. Do people even care about my existence? I guess even if I do stupid things, nobody will care because they don't know me. If I wasn't a girl, I would've done a lot of things alone. Going out at night wouldn't be such a problem if I was not a girl. Ah, but I'm supposed to be reading this book, damn it.

That's basically what was going on in my head that time. 

Omg, look at me, I'm such a loser. Wait are those people talking about me? Shut up brain just read the damn book.

And then my friend texted me saying she has arrived and was waiting in a black Myvi. I quickly finished my cold Milo and left the place, slightly feeling unaccomplished for the inability to focus reading in public.

Sometimes I wonder, what are the things other people have in their head? Do they think like me? Or are their thoughts even more organized unlike mine? It would be interesting to be able to know.



Yes, I am going to put this everywhere.

A friend of mine introduced me to Paradise Kiss. 
I've heard about it before but I never had the urge to check it out.
It's a manga. And it has a movie where it's not anime.
And I have fallen in love with Ai Yazawa's drawing style.
I read manga just for the sake of the art to be honest. 
So I'm not going to go suddenly fanatic over Paradise Kiss. 
As a matter of fact, I have never finished reading ANY manga.

I like Fairy Tail. I never finished reading it.
Sometimes I read Naruto, but that has stretched into a ridiculous span of episodes
So no, I won't bother with that.
I can't be bothered to commit myself to anything. 
Except for the Inheritance Cycle written by Cristopher Paolini. 
I can't believe I went through that till the end.
But umm, maybe because the Inheritance Cycle only consists of 4 books.
Unlike 7.

Unless I like it a lot.
Like really a lot.
Super duper really really like it a lot.
Like drawing.


Post-caffeine post

I don't usually blogwalk, but sometimes I drop by random blogs posted by people on twitter and facebook just to satisfy my curiosity. My level of curiosity depends on how I'm feeling at the moment. Like a few days ago, I was supposed to be finishing an assignment that was due the next day. That was the moment when my level of curiosity was at the peak of its excellence. Usually that's the case. Every time, if I may say. 

I read this interesting blog that day, and I'm sure I'd be returning because apparently, the day I dropped by the blog owner just posted his first post in there. If the first post was that attention-grabbing, I can undoubtedly bet on my love for Ice Blended Caramel that the following posts would be just as fine. 

Speaking of Caramel drinks, I noticed lately how my body reacts to caffeine. The feeling is indescribable, but it's kinda annoying to an extent I randomly did a 15 minutes workout with my roommate just to shake off the weird feeling. And the result was I had to bear aches all over my tummy and my waist for the next three days. Thanks, caffeine. Cewahh salahkan caffeine.

Still, I'd never stop drinking Cappuccino Bubble Tea from that Roti Impitzz stall in my faculty haha. 

And speaking of Cappuccino Bubble Tea, I had myself a glass of Ice Blended Cappuccino drink for dinner just now. Great. No wonder I was feeling so giddy. 


What ifs.

This evening during Asian Literature class, we talked about the short story 'Purvai'. I seriously cannot remember the name of the author, because I just don't care that much to go and recheck. The story is about a housewife, leading a normal mundane life, with a husband and a son, and suddenly one day decided to change from normality after seeing a person she once knew in her past. 

I only read the story once, and to tell you the truth I didn't immediately understand the essence of the story at first go. I did not re-read the story, though. However, the first thing that struck me after reading the story was this little situation that happened between two person - a mother and a daughter - one fine day at an exclusive shopping mall in a city. 

The mother and the daughter were walking, admiring the expensive things sold behind the huge display windows with branded names printed on them. 

"If I had married my rich boss at that time, I would have been able to buy all this." said the mother. 

The daughter smiled dryly and said "If you had married your rich boss, then we wouldn't be around."

That's about it.



"Sometimes, other people's definition of 'time is money' is different from yours. I might be in front of the laptop all day, but you don't know what I'm actually doing. Maybe sitting in front of the laptop all day is money for me."

I am updating because I miss my blog. I have nothing to blog about, and I haven't been able to write things lately. I miss writing short stories too, like I used to when I didn't have a lot of things to do. It has been a week since I last played an interesting game. I am currently taking extra lessons in programming and coding on codecademy.com. Most of my free time I spend over there because I don't want to break my day streaks haha. 

So that's basically it. If you're interested in coding, you can go take lessons there too. It's absolutely free, and the lessons are easy to understand! Plus you get virtual badges for completing exercises and stuff, so you'll feel motivated to continue doing all the exercises everyday. 

My dream is to be able to build my own website from scratch one day. And I hope for more than just that. Wish me luck :)

Oh, I almost forgot. My t-shirt business is running now, and we're starting to promote our tees everywhere. I'm busy designing new stuff. You should go check out Black and Blue Ink. if you want me to be happy. Don't just check out, buy some things from us and I'll bless you all with happy things and success in life haha. Okay bye.