Bingkisan beracun


Mungkin kau mahu aku tepuk tangan ucap tahniah pada kau atas kejayaan kau membuktikan yang aku bukan siapa-siapa. Atau mungkin sebenarnya kau mahu aku terduduk pilu dengan rasa kalah yang ketara. Tapi aku tak rasa dua-dua. Aku cuma rasa kaku. Kebas. Kasihan.

Sebenarnya kau tak perlu buktikan aku apa-apa. Aku sudah jauh memecut tinggalkan kau di tebing gaung. Kalau kau jatuh menjerit meminta tolong pun barangkali tak kedengaran lagi. Mungkin aku sebenarnya sudah sampai ke negeri China. 

Sebenarnya sepanjang ketiadaan kau aku gembira. Dan aku telah nyatakan dengan jelas aku tak peduli apa-apa lagi tentang kau dan hidup kau dan keputusan kau. Kembalinya kau dengan aksi bodoh itu hanya menambah benci dalam hati aku. 

Semoga kau bahagia. 

Sebab aku dah lama bahagia tanpa kau.


Shine through me

I am officially in love with this guy. 

It feels good to have crushes on a lot of people you know will never like you back. It feels good to have many boyfriends when you don't really have one. It feels good to know that you have people who care for you when you're unhappy or feeling down. It feels good to be able to do things that you like without having people disagreeing with you all the time. It just feels a whole lot better when you achieve the ultimate goal in your life.

I am happy. I am on the way to being grateful. I just need that goal that I need to achieve. Which I still don't have and cannot find. 

And I am happy. I really am. 

Perhaps my ultimate goal would be to marry a man who has a deep passion in music and can play three different musical instruments which includes a violin, a cello and the piano and has a stable job. Maybe an architect. Or a computer engineer. 

I can still dream big. I am happy.


Untuk gembira

Ada satu buku aku baca ni, dia tulis, kalau kita ada sekelumit fikiran negatif, kita kena cepat-cepat gantikan dengan fikiran yang positif dan membina. Sebab otak kita dah terbiasa dimanjakan dengan semua fikiran-fikiran negatif sampaikan kita terhanyut dan terbawak-bawak dengan perasaan kurang gembira tu. 

Aku setuju dengan benda ni. Aku tak setuju bila ada orang cakap dia sedih yang teramat sangat tak terbendung akibat putus cinta ditinggalkan kekasih. Sebab sebenarnya untuk sedih atau gembira tu adalah keputusan kau. 

Aku taulah, aku pernah buat. 

Benda ni bukan bergantung pada siapa kau atau siapa aku. Tapi bergantung pada kemahuan dan kesungguhan kau. Kalau kau nak gembira, kau yakinkan diri kau yang kau gembira. Carilah hikmah di sebalik kejadian, mesti ada punya. Kalau ada lelaki tinggalkan kau sebab perempuan lain pun, buat apa kau nak membazir airmata? Dah tentu-tentu dia lelaki tak guna. Jadi kau duduk sekejap, tarik nafas dalam-dalam, tengok sekeliling kau, tengok diri kau. Kalau umur kau masih muda, jangan risaulah, kau tak rugi apa pun bila sorang lelaki pergi tinggalkan kau. Ramai lagi ada. Tak semestinya hidup kena berpasangan. Kalau single kau ada banyak pilihan. Kau boleh buat macam-macam tanpa perlu jaga hati siapa-siapa. Kau sepatutnya banyak sebab untuk happy. 

Okay yang atas ni contoh jelah. Sebenarnya aku lagi pelik perempuan yang time bercinta sibuk merungut boyfriend dia itu ini, bengang bila boyfriend tak bagi buat itu ini, tapi bila putus meratap hiba macam dunia nak kiamat. Kau kan nak buat macam-macam, nak bebas, kan dah dapat apa yang kau nak tu? Cih

Dan sebenarnya, aku rindu nak pegang console Xbox dan layan Call Of Duty. Weekend baru ni banyak sangat benda sampai tak sempat buat apa-apa yang menggembirakan hati. Lepastu hari yang nak balik Jalan Jelawat tulah aku terjumpa campaign mode pulak dah dalam game tu hmmm memang tak lalu makan lah aku cenggini sampai weekend depan -_____-

Lepastu Sungha Jung punya cover lagu Big Bang, Blue buat aku rasa gembira. Byebye

To control your dreams

Have you ever heard of 'lucid dreams'? Well I read about it once from the internet, and ever since then I have been trying to experience my very own lucid dream, but to no avail. 

Before your mind starts taking you somewhere negative and you start concluding that a lucid dream is equal to a wet dream, well good job being a loser. A lucid dream is a dream that you can control. That might not be an accurate definition, so let me put it this way: have you ever had a dream that felt so realistic to the extent that you were aware that it was actually a dream? Well that's lucid dreaming.  

From that article that I read, there are ways in achieving the condition of lucid dreaming. I have been trying every night for a week now perhaps. I haven't succeeded even once. I remembered having dreams that fitted the description of a lucid dream once or twice a long time ago, but I have forgotten all about them now. I remembered waking up from an interrupted dream that was pretty intense and I wanted to know the ending so I forced myself back to sleep and forced my brain to continue the dream. I guess I almost succeeded that time, because I remember a blurry dream with an ending but I felt half awake. I don't know, but all I can remember was a mixture of the dream and my room. 

If I could just even once be able to control what I do in my dreams, I would do many things. A generous number of deeds that I might not be able to do in real life. Lucid dreaming can be kinda scary, but well what's not scary in this world nowadays? Even people are scary. And lucid dreams are just...dreams. 

And one of the ways in achieving a lucid dream is to have a very tired body before you go to sleep. 

I just love pushing myself these days.


Blue is just another colour

But it has always been my favorite.

And I have always preferred instrumental versions of songs instead of their original ones with the vocals. Words, to me, are overrated. I can't understand half of them. I pretend not to understand some of them, but the rest mean nothing to me. 

You can tell ten people "I love you", but you can hardly even show one of them that you really do. 

Number one goes to the white grand piano. But I think I've added a few more in the list. A classic violin, and a blue-colored electric cello. I'll ask for nothing more if I have one of these. No, I'll ask for nothing more once I have ALL of these.

I think I wanna marry a musician


My kind of thing 2.1

She was sitting silently under the bald Birch tree, a gun in one hand and a silver necklace in the other. Her eyes gazed meaningfully towards both while occasionally turning the necklace to one side. There were carvings on the locket dangling from the necklace. Carvings that formed letters. Letters that formed words. 

Kayla & Avery
7th March 2007

She ran a finger over those writings a few times, staring blankly towards what used to be the most treasured piece of object in her life. A gentle breeze blew in her face, throwing her bangs off her forehead. She drew in a deep and heavy breath, took her right arms in which she held the silver necklace up, and threw them outwards with a powerful stroke. The silver thing went flying across the plains. And as it did, She took out the other hand with the gun until it met her now empty right palm, held it in line with her eyes, and pulled the trigger twice.

Bam! Bam!

About some feet from the tree where she sat under, two pieces of silver fell onto the grassy grounds, followed by the necklace now unhooked at it's ends. The two pieces of silver which used to be the locket was now just dented pieces of metal with smothered traces of the embedded writings. She stood up, her face blank and unchanged, tucked the gun onto her belt and walked away.

I fell deep, you let me down, but that was then and this is now.
Now look at me.

art, charlie bowater, color:brown, dark, dessin, digital art
 image taken from HERE

My kind of thing part 2

So I deleted the last post. I might have caused some misunderstanding, when I did not intend to mean it to certain people. So, sorry for that. Let's start over.

And let's start over from nothing. From scratch. 

I am a fragile piece of something. Throw me around, run me through walls. Put me somewhere and leave me to dust for ages and ages. I might not break or even shatter, but look at what you've left me with. A scar so deep that stays, that can never be healed. 

Hi, I'm Skia. That's not my real name, but I love it. The person who gave me that name was a traveler, and he said it meant 'shadow' in Greek. Yes I am female. I have no parent. Well, perhaps I used to have them, but probably they didn't need me. I learnt about the world through the cold windows of an orphanage. I left the run-down place when I was pretty young. The people over there didn't care. It was much easier for them to have one burden taken away. I see it in their faces every time. So I went to search for myself in the cruel outside world. I met a lot of people. Nasty ones, careful ones, dangerous ones, people with layers of masks on, double-sided ones; a plentiful number. I have learnt not to simply trust anyone, no matter how kind they treat you. No matter how close they are to you. I have been kicked down, dragged over, pushed and pull, all for the sake of moving on in life. Somehow, I managed to survive in one piece. 

To be honest, along the way I met a couple of good people, which were scarce in this dark evil world. Like the money, like the food, like kindness, like faith; they were scarce. It took me 3 months to secure my trust towards them. And because it was very hard for me to simply trust anybody, I gave them my complete faith and loyalty. It was the first time in my life that I met the definition of love. To them, I was family. 

But then, one fateful, unfortunate day, they were taken away from me. In front of my very eyes. And there was nothing I could do to help it. They took away every thing. Every single thing. I was left with nothing but a little bit of the life in me, and the sight of the bloody dead corpse of two people that I dearly loved. From that day on, I swore to take revenge towards the people who took away every little bit of faith I had in me. I felt a morbid pain I never imagined I would ever feel in my poor life. And the story ends there. 

I am here in this damp cell, all alone in coldness that seeps to my bones, smiling contently. If you ask me why, the answer would be too obvious. For the following 4 years since the tragedy that changed me into the monster I am now, I have lived as a hunter, thirsty for the blood of his prey. My life goal was to track those people down, and kill them. All of them. Guess what? I succeeded. 


To be hurt, to feel lost, to be left out in the dark. To be kicked when you're down, to feel like you've been pushed around.

And I hope you read it together with the music I inserted. It would feel a whole lot more...super...that way.


This is a small town

I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairytale, I'm not the one you sweep off her feet, lead her up the stairwell.

And I just noticed...
There was a red car in front of my house
I looked at it with no significance
With an irritated glance
And slammed the door shut
It bore an emblem on it's hood
A fierce black horse standing on two feet
But it doesn't make any difference
It's just a red car
An expensive red car
I'm not moved.


To be what you want me to be

Cakap goodnight dekat twitter lepastu lari pergi tulis blog. Tah hape hape. 

I am a bit happy tonight. Actually tipu sebenarnya happy banyak tapi cukuplah aku ekspresikan sebagai happy sikit sebab takde sebab pun. Patut bersyukur kan kalau macam ni? Alhamdulillah.

Ada setengah situasi yang buat aku rasa janggal dan tak tahu bagaimana nak bereaksi. Satu adalah sebab aku rasa tak layak nak bagi reaksi. Dua adalah sebab aku takut kalau aku bagi reaksi in the end aku akan end up jadi orang yang kena balik. Atau reaksi aku tu end up jadi salah sebenarnya. Lagi susah bila aku taktau dekat siapa nak pergi bercerita. Akhirnya lebih baik diam. Membisu seribu bahasa dengan harapan ia akan pergi dibawa angin lalu.

Lepastu ni untuk kau: Jangan mudah jatuh. 

Dan ini pulak untuk kau yang satu lagi: Anggap aku tiada.

Aku tak faham kenapa aku dengar lagu sedih time time gembira macam ni haha. Tapi bila time sedih pun dengar lagu sedih jugak jadi bukan big deal pun lah. 

Nah bedtime story sebelum aku masuk tidur. Satu hari ada tiga ekor burung semua cantik cantik comel comel, hinggap atas tingkap. Si gadis berbaju kurung biru laut pun gembira mendapat teman baru setelah kematian haiwan peliharaan kesayangan. Burung pertama tiung namanya, paling riuh antara tiga-tiga, selalu menghiburkan. Burung kedua si burung pungguk, cantik tapi penuh misteri, kadang ada, kadang menyepi. Manakala burung ketiga si burung pipit, comel tapi pemalu, kadang kala hinggap di bingkai tingkap, kadang kala memanggil dari kejauhan. 

Si gadis berbaju kurung biru laut gembira dihiburkan ketiga-tiga ekor burung yang berselang-seli menemaninya siang dan malam tanpa mengenal erti jemu. Tapi hidup si gadis bukan hanya di dalam bilik kecil itu. Dia harus meninggalkan tingkap itu untuk melihat dunia yang lebih luas dengan perspektif yang berbeza. Dan bila dia kembali dia tidak punya banyak ruang untuk melayani nyanyian ketiga-tiga ekor burung tadi. 

Sepanjang durasi dimana si gadis tidak menghiraukan mereka, sang pungguk mulai tidak kelihatan lagi. Sang pipit selesa memanggil dari kejauhan dari dahan dahan pokok, manakala sang tiung dia lah yang paling tegar paling degil antara yang bertiga. Di tingkap itulah dia menyanyi siang dan malam walau tidak dilayan sama sekali. Di tingkap itulah dia hinggap untuk beceloteh menghiburkan hati si gadis berbaju kurung biru laut walaupun tidak dipinta.

Sekian terima kasih. Moral of the story? Takde pun ahahaha. Itu je kbai.


More than one

Because tonight I'm a poet

I like the sunshine
Even when it's scorching hot, when the UV rays burn my skin
I like it an awful lot.

And the evening rain
After a heartily lunch, home-made by mom
It seems like a lullaby

Over here it's like Mima Land
A place I've seen, but can never remember
I can fly, I can swim an endless summer
And you can sit by my side, serenade me a number
I'll think once, I'll think twice
I might give you an answer

I like the trees, the humming bees
But I'd never say I do
Just sit down and sing me a song
And perhaps I might like you too


I'm not trying to prove anything

In this place, what is your position to punish yourself and put yourself in a not-so-good situation? When you admit having your family and someone dear to your heart. 

I'm writing this in my blog just for you because I know we might not have a proper chance to talk about this personally. There always come things in our way, this and that and excuses. I'm not about to blame anybody for this. Even with people around sometimes I feel lonely. 

No. Maybe it's not loneliness. Maybe it's incomplete. I feel incomplete.

My story starts a long time ago, when we were all very young. I had a big dream, and you were in it. In my dream, we grew up together, ran for our ambitions with each other and succeeded in each other's arms. But you know, things don't always go as planned. Life isn't as easy as it used to be. You can't just say A and everything goes A all the way. 

Along the way in this dream, when we got separated, I met someone else who taught me another side of life. Well, he's history now. And you're still the only one standing.

I do have friends. Loads of friends. No one says you cannot be friends with a lot of people. There are no boundaries. You just have to know how to 'bawak diri'. Don't sit under that glass jar hoping anyone would come to you and ask you to become their friend. Take a risk. Offer some cookies. Buy them balloons. Or anything.

I know you for a long time. You are a good person. You are a good friend. I respect you in many ways, more than you know. There is a special place in here just for you, where no one can take away from you. I've marked it with 'RESERVED'. No one can take it. 

But sometimes this distance is unbearable. Sometimes I feel like losing you. Losing one arm would be enough. I'm okay all this while because I know I still have people. People like you. And because you lost certain people doesn't mean you have to sit in one corner and weep. Be strong. Think of the people you still have. Think of me. 

Don't avoid me. Don't hate me. Don't leave me stranded, ever again. I swear I'm going to breakdown if you ever think of leaving me behind, ever. 

Yours truly.

Would you?

cool, funny, hair, harry potter, lily
taken from [HERE]

But no. If I ever touch your hair, don't ever think of not washing it. I'm gonna kill you if the thought even crosses upon your mind. Busuk lah gila.


friends, friendship, quote, special, text
I miss you.

I need you.



I'm not crazy I'm just a little impaired


cute, fashion, girl, jumper, rainbow

I want that sweater up there and that hair down there. 
And I want this flu to go away. 
And this sore throat. I dislike sore throats.
But I want this feeling to stay, please.

Dr. Seuss' The Lorax was entertaining I must say.
But you know, there were things that would have made a difference.


Daddy's coming home late

Cool and cute babies photography (6)
taken from designkings.com

Like sparrows feeding under the freezing drizzle

Poetry is a seedless skinless fruit. 

Poetry is a mouse in a maze.

Poetry is a water sport.

Poetry is me in a dark room searching for the light switch.

Poetry is snow.

Don't be polite.

Hai, saya along

Ini bukan along yang anak pertama dalam keluarga tu. Ini along yang gangster kutip kutip duit tu. Ya, sayalah orangnya *buat muka ganas*

Semester baru lagi. Secara rasminya menempatkan diri di dalam group ED2204B bersama 27 orang rakan-rakan TESL yang lain. Setelah 4 sem hidup secara carefree dan liar, sem ini aku diberi tanggungjawab maha berat seberat 20 guni beras. Akibat berat yang keterlaluan untuk tubuh kecil aku ini, maka aku tidak lagi dapat bersenang lenang menjalani kehidupan remaja yang tidak bertanggungjawab serta ignorant. 

Intro yang sedikit over untuk mengumumkan bahawasanya aku telah dilantik sebagai bendahari rumah sukan eh kelas aku sepanjang semester. 

Seingat aku, masa sekolah pernah sekali aku dilantik jadi bendahari bagi kelab Usahawan. Pengalaman kurang menggembirakan, sebab jaga duit sebenarnya bukan senang. Apatah lagi duit tu bukan kita yang punya. Simpan dalam envelop lepastu sorok dalam laci almari baju, selit bawah-bawah. Cuak takut rumah kena masuk penjenayah, kalau lesap duit orang aku yang kena ganti. Ibu berkali-kali ingatkan diselit sedikit bebelan, jangan dibuat alpa hal ehwal berkait benda yang bukan hak milik kita. Setiap bulan kena kira semula, nak pastikan jumlah tak terkurang. Kalau terlebih tak mengapa, rezeki kelab bak kata cikgu. Amboi. Mungkin sebab itu aku sedikit trauma bila diberi tanggungjawab jaga duit orang lagi.

But anyway, aku paksa diri jangan mengeluh, jangan merungut. Aku telah berjanji akan terima apa saja cabaran yang ditempek ke muka aku semester ini. Walaupun aku dah secara sengaja ponteng beberapa kelas pada dua tiga hari pertama semester, aku berjanji akan serious pada hari mendatang, insyaAllah. Mana tahu, tanggungjawab ini akan beri aku satu pengalaman baru?

Challenge accepted!



Finally, after a few weeks of contemplating whether should I or should I not change my blog's template, I decided to go for a change. I might miss the old one, but sometimes you have to move on and try something new. I am a changed person myself.

Simpler does not mean it is not better. 

The new semester just started for a few days, mind you. And for your information, I'm not showing any interest yet with the subjects. I think I've lost myself somewhere during the semester break. I've been drawing a lot, and sewing books, and thinking. If you ask me I might just place myself into another course instead of TESL. It's not that I don't want to be an educator. I've been dreaming of becoming a lecturer but the more I get to know myself, the more I believe I'm not meant to be in that area.

Indecisive. I've been using that word a lot lately. Yeah I used it on other people but I know I meant myself. 

Hey look, I call this an artwork.

Using paint, the older version.

Oh and yeah, saje nak test blockquote baru ni. Hikhik



I have this urge to write. Everyday. Even though this is MY blog, I still feel a little guilty. I think I have poisoned the minds of my poor readers with irrelevant things these days.

Well, I'm not going to stop.

Hey there random passer-by. Hey there curious stalkers, hey hey hey!

I'm trying to be honest in this post. The past few posts were vaguely connected to my own life, currently. Maybe they have things to do with you, or you, or maybe not. If you think it's you, I'm sorry. It might not be you. I'm still sorry.

Heart thing is not an easy thing.

"Why did you let me think I was going to have you if you wanted to go back to her?"

"I care for you."

"Define 'care'."

"You're important... somehow. You exist somewhere in there."

"And she exists everywhere, right? I'm fine with that. It's not like this is the first time."

"I'm sorry. Please don't punish me like this, I'm sorry. I care for you, it hurts to see you in pain."

"You don't know how much I'm hurting. At least your pain for me is little, because I only exist somewhere. She occupies a bigger part, it must not be much of a problem for you."

"I'm sorry."

"No you're not, you're just selfish."

Well, not really, but something like that. 



I wanna paint the clouds purple.

It's hard to believe how things come and go and time pass like nothing happen. It's hard to believe how easy your heart can change and how indecisive it may become. It surprises you when feelings change like the sun and the moon and like day and night. You just can't stop it. 

I had ice blended Cappucino for lunch and I noticed how condensation flooded my side of the table. 

A couple of sad stories, but it feels good when you've said it out/wrote it down/cried it away. It feels good. 

You buy a slipper, wear it for some time, apparently they'll get worn out and you buy a new one. Do you really think back and remember how much those slippers have suffered under your feet? You don't, don't you. Life goes on. We were born to die.


Maybe I wasn't meant to count how many eggs were broken in the nest.

You drop by my window with a chirp saying hi. Hung around humming songs, entertaining me. Maybe I saw a fleeting happiness every time, but I pretended not to. To put you in a cage just so you could entertain me every night and day in a small little room that is my world, while I don't guarantee to always be present for you, is selfish.

My window will still be open for you and other little birds. Yes, other little birds. A little competition won't hurt, right? Challenge accepted.