At The Time

"Don't fall for me." you said. I took that seriously, because I was sure about my feelings, and you were particularly not my type - at the time.

And we met everyday at that rooftop overlooking the city, you and your guitar, and we did a lot of duets. And we talked all day, non-stop about our favorite music. I still remember how you sneered at me for listening to FT Island, a Korean music band. You labeled me a 'K-Fag' I remember. I thought your Matchbox 20 and All American Rejects weren't any better. At least we both agreed that Two Steps From Hell and Hans Zimmer are legendary. 

"I like guys who play violins." I specified. "And cello." I added. You grinned. We laughed. I wasn't joking, you know. I was telling you the truth - at the time.

Three months, was it? It didn't seem so long, but it felt like years. During that time I thought I learned so much about you and your life. But then you changed. The way you stare when I sang along to Only One by Yellow Card that one evening, and the tone in your voice when we talked, honestly it freaked me out. You didn't smile even one bit, and dryly laughed to my awkward jokes. 

And then you picked up your guitar again - something you have never done before after we finished our duets - and you started strumming. And you sang. 

Then I see your face

I know I'm finally yours

I find everything

I thought I lost before

You'd call my name

I come to you in pieces

So you can make me whole

So you can make me whole...

And you, somehow, broke into tears. You dropped your guitar and broke down, completely torn apart by some pain inside of you. I was scared and maybe I panicked a little, so I went to you and tried to calm you down. I wrapped my little arms around you, trying to give you what I thought was a little comfort. And then you hugged me back tightly, as if you didn't want to let me go. I was still surprised, I didn't know what I felt - at the time.

"I'm sorry about yesterday." You said the next day we met at that rooftop of ours. Your eyes were red, and they were swollen. I was guessing you couldn't sleep. The rooftop suddenly felt a little colder than usual that day. 

"I'm such a pathetic guy. I shouldn't have broke down like that." you continued with a nervous laughter that sounded completely fake. I forced out a little smile myself, just to assure you that I was okay. 

"It's okay," I said. "You're human after all." 

We didn't do any duets that evening. You didn't even take out your guitar from it's bag. We just talked, and talked, and that was when I realized how so many things have actually changed since the first time I met you. My feelings would be one of them. I can bet my life on it that yours had too. At least that was what I thought - at the time. 

You took me to your studio one day, and sat behind your piano and gazed at me. There were a lot of other instruments, and I thought it was cool. 

"I don't know how to play a violin, or a cello, but I can play you this." you said before your fingers started dancing on the black and white keys of the piano. I sat there beside you and listened to the beautiful melody. That was the moment I actually realized the painful truth that I should have expected all along.

...my heart shouts "let her go, let her go"

but it doesn't listen and tells me that

it can't let her go even if I die

My heart pulls me back and says "forget her, forget her"

but it's foolishly stubborn and says that it can't...

If there is an after life, I hope we can love then

Oh I pray and hope for that everyday - goodbye my love...

And you broke down again. 

"This freaking hurts. I don't know why I'm imagining you're still here by my side even though I know you're not! This freaking hurts!" you said, crying. I felt a throbbing pain in my chest.

"Why did you leave me? Why did you go if you wanted to haunt my freaking life?! I never should have let myself into this. I told you not to fall for me!" 

That truly hurt me, you know. I couldn't say a thing, probably because of the realization that finally crept into me. Of course, I died a month ago. 

"I know I should have told you this when you were still alive, but fuck all that. I love you Carla. I...I really love you." 

Maybe if I was still alive, I would have cried buckets. But if I was still alive, we would have been happily ever after. I just sat there, emotionless, unknowing of what to say.

"I know you'd laugh at me for saying this, but I think FT Island is cool after all, despite all the pretty faces. I take back all those things I said about you being a K-Fag and all. I know it annoys you, but you're pretty when you're annoyed."

At that time, all I felt was an uncomfortable pain inside my chest, and a throbbing sensation inside my eyes. 

"I can't go on like this any longer. I can't live properly. Everything suddenly becomes all about you. I have to stop going back to the rooftop. I'm going somewhere far for awhile, to clear my messed up head."

At that time, everything felt like it was moving in slow motion.

"Shit, this freaking hurts. I...I think I have to let you go, Carla, wherever you are. Maybe we'll meet again someday, in another life. Goodbye."  

At that time, everything faded into nothingness.