Worrywart

Trying out digital drawing and colouring.

Apparently, without a wacom tablet, it's such a burdensome task.

I wish I could afford one.

First day of real teaching was tiring. 

But it should have been fun if I could stop blaming myself

for my incompetency and lack of skills.

In the end, everything needs more and more practice.

Nothing comes to you like rain.

Even rain is scarce nowadays

White lie

I've not been inspired lately. I can only manage to finish this drawing and I was only trying out a different kind of drawing style. The rest of them are left as sketches. I can't even finish writing my short stories. All of them are left as drafts. As much as I don't want to blame practicum, I guess it really does have an effect on me. Other than that I'm just being almighty lazy.

One of my students saw my drawing in my planner and asked me why I didn't become a cikgu seni instead, and it left me fumbling for answers. The problem is that firstly, I don't want to be a teacher. Secondly, I'm not really an expert artist to be teaching art to other people. 

In the end I just told them I have more passion in English rather than art - which is obviously a lie; I have passion in both, it's just that I dislike teaching. For now.

Teacher

I can't believe I'm teaching English to nearly 40 students in a single classroom now.

And I have 3 classes to teach, you total that.

I used to be the quietest (almost) student in class. 

I need your prayers and a bundle of luck and patience.

Jar of Secrets #1

She was folding strips of colourful papers on her desk. She was doing it attentively, one by one, slowly. The results were a jar of colourful mini star-shaped origami. The jar was only half full and she was still folding more. 

Mars walked into the room and glanced at the girl with interest. 

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"I'm folding stars." she replied. The girl; her name was Luna.

"Is it for someone?" he continued. She shook her head slowly, eyes fixed on the red coloured paper.

"It's mine."

Mars pulled a chair and sat next to her at the table.

"Can I help?” he asked earnestly. His eyes sparkled as he flashed a little smile.

“No. If you want to you need to find another jar.” She said simply. She was too immersed in her work that her tone sounded quite severe and unkindly. Fortunately, he was not taken aback.

“Why? I just want to help you.”

“You don’t understand,” she sighed. “You have to know what I feel if you want to help me fold my little secrets.”

Mars understood now. She was making a jar of secrets. HER jar of secrets. The little stars represent everything that she felt; her stories, her laughter and her sadness, the part of her that she does not tell anybody. All the colours should represent different things.

“What does red stand for?” he asked.

Her stare penetrated through the red strip that she was folding in her hands as she answered “Complicated heart things.”

Strength discovery

Puas hati aku. Dah berapa lama pendam impian nak hiking. Sebab kononnya bayangan hiking dalam kepala ialah jalan-jalan dalam hutan panjat bukit jalan tak curam sangat tak landai sangat. Sekali hambik kau. Dah rasa macam Lara Croft dalam Tomb Raider Reborn. Aku salute betul wanita yang selalu pergi hiking panjat gunung tinggi-tinggi. Ni baru Bukit Tabur dah muntah hijau segala, belum Gunung Nuang ke apa ke. 

Nasib baik lah dua orang tukang bawak sangat penyabar dan bertanggungjawab. Layan segala bebelan rungutan keluh kesah aku sepanjang berapa kilometer perjalanan naik turun puncak tertinggi. Bila aku nampak letih sikit diorang push aku bagi kata-kata semangat (tak lupa juga psycho aku dengan segala macam cara). Tapi itulah gunanya teamwork, kan? Yang kuat bantu yang lemah, yang lemah cuba untuk jadi kuat. Dah tentulah aku bukan yang lemah tu wahaha. Aku kuat okay. Tak caya tanya diorang :p

Tapi kasihan mereka sebab kalau aku takde mesti sekelip mata dah naik turun balik dah hahaha.

Aku takkan tolak kalau ada orang nak ajak aku pergi hiking lagi (muntah hijau pun aku tak peduli hahaha). 

Tapi kalau boleh, jommaaaa main paintball!

Birthday Boss

25 June 2013.

The week has been depressing enough, she thought. Enough of the mourning, it's a special day today. The tin can that she spent a few days lovingly redecorating, patiently waiting for the paint to dry, was already finished. It wasn't perfect. The paint job was smudged here and there, but it was pretty enough. Somehow, she felt that the tin can - which used to contain delicious Danish cookies once - portrayed herself in a way.

The haze was thick outside. The IPU reading earlier that day in the news said that the area was in the dangerous level. School was closed. Not a lot of people can be seen on the streets. She, on the other hand, was getting ready to go out. Before she exited the house, she remembered to put on a face mask. Together with her younger sister, they walked to a hypermarket just across the area. It was freakishly warm it wasn't even funny. Everything within the eyesight was yellow and, obviously, hazy. Along the way, there was a house under renovation. 

"They're still working under this condition?" remarked the younger sister. She commented nothing and they walked along.

Because of the mask, she was sweating tremendously. Breathing became quite restricted not only by the haze but by the mask too. Walking felt like jogging. Luckily, the hypermarket was air-conditioned. After buying packets of chocolates and pistachios, they dropped by Secret Recipe to buy three slices of cake. The journey home wasn't any better.

Within the comfort of home at last, she got busy making a special bunting and arranging the goodies into the tin can. She helped her little sisters make cards and decorations for the cake. She made cut-out mustaches just for the fun of it. It was a special day after all.

And after all was finished, they waited patiently for the person to come home. She was the most anxious of all. This surprise party wasn't at all planned. She had just suddenly decided earlier that morning that she wanted to make this person happy on this special day. And it was all because of her own gloominess surrounding her lately.

At 6, the door opened and she could almost feel her heart burst. She was anxious. Was he going to like it? She walked around the house aimlessly, pretending to feel completely normal. Until he smiled and looked at her bunting with an expression of absolute content. 

She couldn't hold back the wonderful feeling swelling up inside her. She laughed happily and sang the birthday song loudly with her little sisters and her mother. 

"Happy birthday, Abah." She said with a girlish smile. All of a sudden, she felt like a little girl again. 

This is not a troll face I dunno why I look like this when I'm happy.

Distinct

Sitting in the middle of people, your own voice drowned by the noises they make and the sound of their laughter, and even when you try to speak it didn't matter because they are laughing at you. You're the joke. You're the funny one. And in the end all you can do is smile and join them laughing at yourself, pretending you're amused.

And then you stand up and exit the room, and lock yourself up and convince yourself not to cry. They were just kidding. It's just a joke and it just happens that YOU'RE the joke.

It hurts more when you're in the middle of people and you still feel alone. As if you're existing in another different dimension. You do anything you can and people still try all they can to point out your faults and your flaws. Am I missing something here?

At this point I'm starting to doubt myself. I'm too insecure to handle this. I don't mind not receiving any recognition for the things I did that you people asked me to help when you needed me, but not this. I mean, the money you forgot to pay me, and for my work that you claim to be yours, nah. I can look past that. But trying to make me look like a fool in front of other people? No.

The reason I keep distance from people is because I'm tired of being treated like this. Being the kind of person who can't easily fit in every where she goes is already hard enough. Having people whom you've known since forever making you feel like shit is really just a pile of bullshit indeed. 

I enjoy being alone mostly because I'm used to it. But sometimes I need people too, and at times when I'm anticipating people and they make me feel like this I just wanna die. 

Or can I just be a mermaid?